16

Sixteen years ago tonight I was in Fort Worth, Texas. I was probably laying in bed in a hotel room wondering what was going to become of my life the next morning. I had gone to the doctor on the evening of April 13, 1993. The doctor told me I had toxemia and they would induce labor in the morning. I remember my mom begging the doctor not to let it happen on the 14th. Couldn't they just wait another day? The answer was no. I was instructed to be at the hospital by 6:00 am. Thank God I was so young and stupid. I had no clue what to expect. After the appointment, my mom and I went to the mall to get some last minute things. I remember buying a gold heart shaped locket with a diamond in the center, her birth stone. I remember eating a taco and a bean burrito at the Taco Bell in Ridgmar Mall, my last meal. . . I remember the fear coming over me in waves wondering what I was going to do. Would I have the strength to go through with it or would I weaken at the sight of my baby? I had a family picked out, but wasn't confident with my choice. It would later come to be they were, in fact, not right. I would find another family in a last minute scramble. I remember feeling alone, feeling scared, feeling innocence was over as I knew it. I do not remember sleeping that night. I read letters and wrote letters, I felt these little "cramps" I would later find out were contractions.
It was dark when we left our extended stay hotel room to drive to Harris Methodist Hospital. I don't think my mom and I talked much on the way over. It would end up being a rainy day. There was a plane crash/accident at DFW. That was a big deal because my dad was flying in that day. I experienced things no 15 year old girl should have to experience. An enema, a student nurse doing a dialation check for the FIRST time, having a baby all alone. I remember watching the news and waiting, waiting, waiting. I knew how desperately my parents wanted me to make the "right choice" and not knowing if I could/would do it. I can remember all of the strangers in the room being so impressed how it only took me 12 pushes in 20 minutes to give birth. I remember pulling down the sterile blue paper to try to get a glimpse of her. I remember her being placed in my arms and I swear I can still feel HER head in the crease of my elbow. I remember looking at her face and realizing she needed more than I could give her. I remember no words coming out but just tears when the nurses asked if I was okay.

That was 16 years ago.

I saw a picture of a 16 year old boy the other day and it hit me. She will be driving in a matter of weeks. She has probably kissed a boy, been on dates, gone to semi-formal dances, etc. I believe she is happy. Truthfully, that really is all that matters. I am too. I love my husband and my boys. The are the greatest. The fact remains that 16 years ago, I lost my chance at prom dress shopping, being the mother of the bride and all of the other stuff. I know I made the right choice. I have never doubted that. I just wish I wouldn't have had to make the choice at all. Tomorrow night the boys and I will light a candle on a cake and sing Happy Birthday to her. They will be excited to have cake and I will be praying someday April 14th won't be such a hard day to handle.
Anyway, that was just on my mind.
Happy Birthday H.

Best Day of 2009 So Far!

I have been waiting over a year and a half to hear something from my daughter's parents. I have prayed and prayed to just get a letter or picture. I had given up hope about a month ago. Last Thursday I got an email from my case worker telling me a letter and pictures were on their way to me! I just got them today. It's amazing to me that I can be so upset and angry and somehow it just melts away when I get an update. Anyone who knows me, knows I am notorious for holding grudges. This is perhaps the one and only situation where I let resentment go and let the joy take over.
So the letter was not too long and there were only 6 pictures, none of which were a solo shot of her. Oh well, I'll take what I can get! The best part of the letter was about 2 pages in! I am so excited and feel such a strong connection, even if it is just in my head.
I had written a letter back in November. Very short, just asking how she was doing, what kind of music she listened to and what her sense of humor is like. I guess living with Evan and Jeb, it's easy to see what traits they share with Scott and me. I always wonder if genetics play any kind of role or if it is just environment. I got my answer today!
Beth informed me that the last concert my daughter went to was Jason Mraz!! I about peed my pants! Of course she mention other artist that she liked, but come on, Jason?? It made my heart melt. I couldn't help but smile and let out a little yelp. She went on to say how her sense of humor is dry and sarcastic. Geez, wonder where that comes from? Love it.
Needless to say, I am on cloud 9 today! I hope when I go to the next Jason concert (2 weeks from today) I can score a picture with him to send to her. I'd be the coolest birthmom ever! I would also be super excited for myself as well, who am I kidding!
All I can say is, AHHHH. I am at peace. Life is great today!