16

Sixteen years ago tonight I was in Fort Worth, Texas. I was probably laying in bed in a hotel room wondering what was going to become of my life the next morning. I had gone to the doctor on the evening of April 13, 1993. The doctor told me I had toxemia and they would induce labor in the morning. I remember my mom begging the doctor not to let it happen on the 14th. Couldn't they just wait another day? The answer was no. I was instructed to be at the hospital by 6:00 am. Thank God I was so young and stupid. I had no clue what to expect. After the appointment, my mom and I went to the mall to get some last minute things. I remember buying a gold heart shaped locket with a diamond in the center, her birth stone. I remember eating a taco and a bean burrito at the Taco Bell in Ridgmar Mall, my last meal. . . I remember the fear coming over me in waves wondering what I was going to do. Would I have the strength to go through with it or would I weaken at the sight of my baby? I had a family picked out, but wasn't confident with my choice. It would later come to be they were, in fact, not right. I would find another family in a last minute scramble. I remember feeling alone, feeling scared, feeling innocence was over as I knew it. I do not remember sleeping that night. I read letters and wrote letters, I felt these little "cramps" I would later find out were contractions.
It was dark when we left our extended stay hotel room to drive to Harris Methodist Hospital. I don't think my mom and I talked much on the way over. It would end up being a rainy day. There was a plane crash/accident at DFW. That was a big deal because my dad was flying in that day. I experienced things no 15 year old girl should have to experience. An enema, a student nurse doing a dialation check for the FIRST time, having a baby all alone. I remember watching the news and waiting, waiting, waiting. I knew how desperately my parents wanted me to make the "right choice" and not knowing if I could/would do it. I can remember all of the strangers in the room being so impressed how it only took me 12 pushes in 20 minutes to give birth. I remember pulling down the sterile blue paper to try to get a glimpse of her. I remember her being placed in my arms and I swear I can still feel HER head in the crease of my elbow. I remember looking at her face and realizing she needed more than I could give her. I remember no words coming out but just tears when the nurses asked if I was okay.

That was 16 years ago.

I saw a picture of a 16 year old boy the other day and it hit me. She will be driving in a matter of weeks. She has probably kissed a boy, been on dates, gone to semi-formal dances, etc. I believe she is happy. Truthfully, that really is all that matters. I am too. I love my husband and my boys. The are the greatest. The fact remains that 16 years ago, I lost my chance at prom dress shopping, being the mother of the bride and all of the other stuff. I know I made the right choice. I have never doubted that. I just wish I wouldn't have had to make the choice at all. Tomorrow night the boys and I will light a candle on a cake and sing Happy Birthday to her. They will be excited to have cake and I will be praying someday April 14th won't be such a hard day to handle.
Anyway, that was just on my mind.
Happy Birthday H.

Best Day of 2009 So Far!

I have been waiting over a year and a half to hear something from my daughter's parents. I have prayed and prayed to just get a letter or picture. I had given up hope about a month ago. Last Thursday I got an email from my case worker telling me a letter and pictures were on their way to me! I just got them today. It's amazing to me that I can be so upset and angry and somehow it just melts away when I get an update. Anyone who knows me, knows I am notorious for holding grudges. This is perhaps the one and only situation where I let resentment go and let the joy take over.
So the letter was not too long and there were only 6 pictures, none of which were a solo shot of her. Oh well, I'll take what I can get! The best part of the letter was about 2 pages in! I am so excited and feel such a strong connection, even if it is just in my head.
I had written a letter back in November. Very short, just asking how she was doing, what kind of music she listened to and what her sense of humor is like. I guess living with Evan and Jeb, it's easy to see what traits they share with Scott and me. I always wonder if genetics play any kind of role or if it is just environment. I got my answer today!
Beth informed me that the last concert my daughter went to was Jason Mraz!! I about peed my pants! Of course she mention other artist that she liked, but come on, Jason?? It made my heart melt. I couldn't help but smile and let out a little yelp. She went on to say how her sense of humor is dry and sarcastic. Geez, wonder where that comes from? Love it.
Needless to say, I am on cloud 9 today! I hope when I go to the next Jason concert (2 weeks from today) I can score a picture with him to send to her. I'd be the coolest birthmom ever! I would also be super excited for myself as well, who am I kidding!
All I can say is, AHHHH. I am at peace. Life is great today!

31 is Great!

This won't be long. So far, 31 is awesome. What a great birthday. Honestly, I can't remember a better birthday in quite sometime. Lots of wishes from friends and family. 3rd graders singing "Happy Birthday" to me. Jeb thinking I was 16. Lottery tickets to scratch. A nice family dinner. Great cards and presents from the boys (can opener, blade sharpener, and snow flake lights). All of them picked out with love. Texts from saxophone players (HILARIOUS!!!!! Thanks Amy!!!) A phone call from Japan. My only complaint, I didn't have cake today. I'm a big fan of cake. Not to worry. There will be cake on Friday!!! I am very lucky. What a great day. I will go to bed happy and looking forward to a great year ahead!

Mraz, Sax, and Mayhem

Oh geez, I feel like a little school girl still. My heart is still all a flutter. Last night was the big Jason Mraz concert. The one I've been waiting for since July 30th when I bought my ticket. He did not disappoint. He freakin' rocks my world!

A little background. Amy, Steffanie, and I went to see Jason and Gavin DeGraw on July 17th. We were lucky enough to be front row center. I had a WHOLE bunch to drink and was having a super good time. The saxophone player and I talked back and forth the whole show. We asked him to meet us for the Chicago show. After a few too many facebook and myspace messages, he caved.

While we were waiting in line last night, Carlos came out to say hi. That was really nice of him. It would have been nicer if he would have invited us inside, but no such luck. It was freakin' freezing as you can imagine. Chicago, November, No coats, Not fun!

When we got inside, we were fairly close to the front. Because I have way too much time on my hands, and because I had been looking forward to this night for SO long, I made up signs for the show. One said, "Carlos You're Saxy", the other one referenced a song lyric that was pretty damn funny, but I'm not repeating what that sign said. It did make them laugh, so that made us happy, or at least me!
The concert was great. Jason is absolutely amazing, and I hope to see him again, although I don't know when that will happen. I acted like a freakin' idiot and it felt good.

So after the show, we talked to Carlos again. We thought we were going to meet the band for a drink. We ended up at this goth bar that would have been hilarious and probably a little bit scary, but I didn't care. My feet hurt so bad I just wanted to sit down! After a lot of screwing around, we headed back to the Gold Coast on the El. It was 12:30. What a ride!
2 guys on the train were obviously looking for trouble. The started beating the crap out of a homeless guy. We were super scared. They were yelling at everyone to stop looking. One of them ended up stealing his hat. We decided to get up and move to the back of the train. The jerks continued to beat random people on the train. They broke a guys glasses and kicked a girl to the ground. They finally kicked them off and we were on our way again. WOOPS!!! The train was an express and we ended up missing our stop! We had to get off at a random stop. No one was at this station. You could just hear random yelling and cussing down the way. We seriously thought we were going to get robbed or worse. I hid my rings in my pants and we were barely breathing so they wouldn't know we were there!!!! Scary!
FINALLY, we make it to our stop. We got some Jimmy John's and headed back to the hotel. We all got ready for bed, ate our sandwiches and hit the hay. We had just turned out the lights and we heard fire trucks stopping close by. We all got out of bed and looked out the window (from our room on the top floor). What do ya know? Firetrucks are right downstairs! We decided if anything happened, we would have a super long walk down 14 flights of stairs. We then called it a day. At 3:30 in the morning, we packed up and headed for home! This was the LAST picture we took of the evening. I made it home about 6:30 am, just in time to see Evan wake up and the sun rise. I haven't pulled a 23 hour night for loooooong time. All in all, I had a blast. The concert was great, the signs were funny, Carlos was nice and I have great friends who humored me! I'm not sure how they feel, but this weekend is going down as one of my all time favorites. Fun (and scary) times to remember! I wish Andrea could have gone, I'm sure that would made it that much more fun, but when it's all said and done, it was truly an adventure! LOVE IT!!!!

2 Random Jeb Stories

Story #1
Evan has been extremely interested in learning all about the body and the functions of each organ and system. Pancreas, spleen, endocrine system, you name it, he wants to know what it does. One of his favorites is the uvula. . . as a kid I called it a "hoodler". To be completely honest, I still do. For whatever reason, it is a fascinating body part. So, because Evan has been talking about the body, guess who picked up on that? That's right! Little Brother!
In the car today, Jeb asked me how babies come out of tummies (oh Lord)! Thank God I could tell him that the doctor cut my belly open to get him out. . .gotta love c-sections! He then asked me, "When I was in your tummy did I sleep or play?" I told him he played a little and slept most of the time. He then asked me, "when I was playing, did I play with your uvulas?" Gotta love that child! God only knows what he thinks my "uvulas" are, but it was just too funny for me!

Story #2
Jeb has started to learn songs for his upcoming Christmas program for preschool. He came home from school today talking about "little Lord Jesus". I asked him if he was singing "Away in a Manger". We worked on the song a couple of times together. I love love love to hear little kids sing that song. When Scott came home from work, I asked Jeb to sing it for dad. He did a great job with a little help from his mom.
This was his version:

Away in a manger
no crib for a bed
the little Lord Jesus lay down His sweet head
The stars in the sky look down where he lay
the little Lord Jesus asleep ON HIS HEAD!

Love it!!!

Thank A Vet

So, here I go, off on another tangent. Tomorrow is Veteran's Day. Probably not that many people think about it. Honestly, if I didn't have a kid in school, I probably wouldn't either.
Last night, Saving Private Ryan was on TV. That is one of "those movies" that never gets old for me. Every time it's on, I always watch it, and not just because I have a thing for Matt Damon. I am always amazed by what so many men (and women) sacrificed for our country. I'm sure it doesn't even come close to what actual war is like. I'm sure it is much worse. I can't imagine being brave enough to put my life on the line like that. Furthermore, as a mother, I can't fathom letting either of my boys go off into harm's way. I think about my grandpa who served on an aircraft carrier. He kept a diary while on board. That was a HUGE no no. They weren't allowed to keep journals for fear they might fall into enemy hands. It really is amazing to read. If I recall, I think they were bombed . . .it's been quite a few years since I've read it.
Tomorrow there is a Veteran's Day program at Evan's school. Every year that I go, I always get choked up. Sometimes I'm just overly emotional. What can I say. On the way out, after the program is over, all the vets line up by the doors and the kids and everyone else shakes their hands and thanks them for their service to our country.
So my thought for the evening is that everyone should thank a vet tomorrow. I think it's easy to become numb to all that we hear on TV about the war in Iraq. I just think it's super important to honor all those who have served our country and risk their lives for our freedom.
That's all.

Tangent over.

Seacrest out.

End of an Era

Well, he's all grown up. Okay, not really, but I can feel it coming. Evan lost his last tooth yesterday. No more visits from the tooth fairy for him. I feel so lucky that he lost all of his teeth before he "found out". She came last night for her last visit (amidst all the puking). She upped the ante by leaving 2 dollars as opposed to the 1 she usually leaves. She also wrote him a nice note that she only had to practice 7 times before it was perfect! : )

It read:

Dear Evan,

Thank you for all of your teeth. I will miss you.

Love,

Tooth Fairy

The worst part about no more teeth to lose is that it is officially time for braces. Yikes!! So far, Jeb hasn't showed any signs of loose teeth, although we have to check every few days! I can only assume we have another couple of months before her visits start up again.

Evan has also learned to make grilled cheese sandwiches, spaghetti sauce, bagels, pancakes, taco dip, and sugar cream pie. Yesterday he made his own breakfast and lunch. Even Jeb makes his own lunch now. Bologna sandwich with lettuce, cheese, ketchup, mustard and mayo. I am officially obsolete. Except for cleaning up puke. . . I'm still good for that.